i just don't know what i want to do anymore. i thought i had my future all thought out but then, it just seems so fake. i've always known it was shallow and so what, i'm shallow but reality dictates that everyone is in this (mainly) capitalist world. but suddenly, maybe it just built up and everything's crashing down. globalisation and its fucking snowball of rockhard truths. my flimsy dominoes just aren't a match for it. NOT MAKING SENSE. arghhhh
just that i found myself debating on a moral ground against a bunch of people thinking along economic lines. found i was less shallow than what i thought i was. definitely still shallow though and far from selfless. then watched a concert and realised i don't want to be just a part of the audience. i want my place to be on the stage, at rehearsals, knowing what goes behind the curtains.
and then i got asked about my dream. i was so bloody hesitant to state anything. mentioned my goal but realised that it was vastly different from what that person was thinking. but is it that different?
then again, what i'm doing now can be a part of my dream. maybe not in the direct sense because frankly they're quite incompatible unless i want to lead a double-life but perhaps i could bring one aspect of it into another. then i'll have to hope i have enough passion to meld the two together because forgive the cliche but they'll just crash and burn.
maybe i'm just self-destructing by even trying. because the people who try to save me may just be adding fuel to the fire. i wonder what that fire will do though.