fool jester

looking through old blog posts and realising that i do have moments that i actually reflect and think. or maybe just a little too much and i have an awkward way of expressing my musings. *neutral sound*(typed sigh, but i'm not really sighing nor is it a gragh or anything of that sort so), guess that's that.

boof.

She had the world

I don't love you I'm just passing the time

You could love me if I knew how to lie

But who could love me, I am out of my mind

Throwing a line out to sea,

To see if I can catch a dream.

 

only now do I actually feel something. never realised it but I guess the attachment just built over time, the loneliness never really got noticed until the smoke cleared. too late now, but its for good, to end it beautifully is better than having it dissolve in our hands. though which actually happened, I will never know.

favourite friends, but it all depends on what you qualify as friends

hey.

now that's more than i say to some of my ex-classmates.

seeing some of them around sometimes isn't just awkward anymore, its plain depressing, some of them openly display a lack of human characteristics or they're just sitting there. looking lifeless :(

i guess that's what life does to you sometimes, drains you out so because its selfish or biased and wants to keep all of itself for the ones it loves. but then, that's what humans do.

shoot i'm being all weird again.

alright, just that today, was so high at teachers' day celebrations watching the skit (MR EVANS CROSSDRESSED) then happened to look back and saw so many people with these stone expressions. they weren't dao or defiant or looking like they thought it was lame. they just looked like they didn't know what they were doing, or just didn't have the energy to contort their facial features into something resembling emotion.

sigh, abrupt.

sentiment

oh shoosh, realised that last post was a little personal but also a little devoid of feeling haha whatev, it was meant for me to remember all that happened on that day before i forgot the little important details that made it uh-mazing!

realised today that i'm gonna miss the band. i like the time and space though. and i can't wait to start anew. buttt, life's really good now, i guess its true that i love my food since i'm so happy partly cos of the delicious food i've been having, like WAFFLES this morning that we made ourselves and ate with cranberry/strawberry jam and a little whipped cream or nutella and coffee(from penang!). that's not mentioning how i had delish korean food on friday for dinner. and thai food last week and dimsum! back to yesterday, there was some national day dinner thing so something like 500 people came but the dinner was at the field between J8 and MOELC so no carpark. came home from tuition and there were absolutely no parking lots even though we're Residents. so mom took the opportunity to suggest going for supper haha. had a soya bean drink and youtiao and egg tart! shared of course so i won't get fat as fast?! we found an authentic naan place though, which was a great surprise.

back to the personal but not thing. i'll probably be getting an actual blog like, not a place for emo posts kind of blog, after the exams. it shall be a Commitment. definitely more public and personal but obviously less private. maybe when i'm super emo i'll still post here? ^.^

SIBF 2010

It feels like a week passed in one day. Went to sleep the night before feeling rubbish, having emo-ed about small things, like who I am and what my friends meant to me and how I have failed. Failed to bring more to band in terms of musicality, spirit. But went to school, collected Bio paper, missing the 4.0 by 2 marks and then going for philosophy, discussed knowledge and science before going for band. The day had begun.

 

Band practice with Mr Oura, he drew a cute face on his conductor’s scores to remind us to smile! :D and then, it was over all too soon, I guess he had to rush for Raffles Institution Wind Ensemble (RIWE) practice too. So, we had section time where we practiced our parts as Fluboes and tuned, and made sure we were more together. Followed by a little pep talk :)

 

Thereafter, it was lunch, section and changing into band uniform. Left trumpets playing with the new soccer table. Rachel and I did our hair outside cooking rooms in front of the long mirrors before going past our ex-section area, seeing the clarinets and horns playing at the 'play' area. (Clarinets were illegally playing bridge! :O) Going back to the band room, changing into band socks and shoes and wearing garters. Everyone, braiding hair, batch singing batch song and other songs.

 

Soon, TIME TO GO. Gathered in the foyer, the bus ride there sat with Yiwye, with Sheryl YN in front. Rachel and Sheryl in the seat in front of her, Tianyu and Josephine beside her and Claudia at the back. Joanne had to sit in front alone. Sang Perseus choir parts, as planned, warming up vocals! Not very enthusiastic participation from juniors but still. And we sang Go the Distance, At the beginning, trying to harmonise. Also I’ll be there for you. Sooner than expected we were there! The pillars were wrapped in Raffles colours for some reason, a cheering sight but we were all nervous.

 

Stoned in the “holding area”, which was merely a space in front of the lift because the actual holding rooms were being used by another event? Still, we spent the time as a batch in a circle, reading the programme and about other bands. Laughing at a band that had gone through “world war 3” pointed out by Mr Oura! Went into the tuning room before filing out and waiting behind the ominous doors, being the first band to play for Division I only made the wait longer as they announced us.

 

Played. Didn’t come in some parts, blew saliva into oboe at 138, couldn’t play for a few bars before joining in again. Filed out.

 

MAD RUSH. Took section photo, then ran out of school, waited with batchmates for the taxis to come but they kind of took off cos we were late so then we had to go flag. The taxi I took with yixian and yiwye was law-abiding and drove at the stipulated speed?! So we got there like, one minute late for RIWE but we begged so we managed to sneak in for Machu Picchu, the second piece. But before that, the best part is that we had to run to the door at the first floor, got refused entry, ran up to the second floor but got refused entry too then the woman told us sometimes you can hear them from the bathroom so we went in then couldn’t hear anything then we tried first floor bathroom then obviously gave up and stood outside the door watching Mr Oura conduct before finally being let in.

 

Saw Nanyang band come and saw simon, Yujia kept pointing him out to me and I kept missing him xD still, it was fun especially seeing our seniors but they looked a bit sad. Then they got on the bus and we saw Quanhui and Aaron outside so we got quanhui with his left hand injured! To help us take a photo then we were posing and only realised after the photo that the entire RIWE was staring at us cos the bus was just beginning to leave when we were taking the photo argh *facepalm*

 

Following that, we went to the mall opposite Causeway Point to have dinner. We had to separate though, sitting at different tables as we ate but we talked about random celebrities and how we saw them and Yixian saw Taufik and I saw Lynn and Shimin LOL. And Sheryl YN acted as a tree before and couldn’t stop laughing in silence as she tried to say it. Well, then we trekked the long way back to watch Nanyang play Perseus and their other piece. After watching 2 more bands, Mr Wilson Ong’s band too! Nanyang came in and sat around us cos there were no more empty seats in groups. But we went out and saw Mr Oura and collected the conductor’s scores and pored over them, exclaiming at all the good and bad comments written except one which was written in Japanese that even Yiwye couldn’t read. Perina and Qianyi came to watch the results too. Joanne managed to rush back in time with her mum.

 

Nervous. Holding hands tightly in a row, thinking we would be first to be announced. Still, it was Division II first. Clapping for all the bands. Then it was Division I. NERVOUS. GRABBED HANDS. Raffles Girls’ School Symphonic Band. 92, 93, 94, 95, 92 … (something like that) with an average of, 93.00% Gold. (subdued yes!) (to echoes of wow) Followed by other bands and RIWE with an average of 91.50% Gold. LONG LIVE RAFFLES (BANDS). SWEPT THE FIRST AND SECOND PLACES.

 

MASS HUGGING AND CHEERING AND SCREAMING. (oh yes, when RIWE’s results were announced, that side of the hall erupted in “yeahh”, did I mention how low it was?) We managed to get a hold of ourselves as we went out in the open and began to REALLY BEGIN TO SCREAM. Calling people, receiving Rachel’s sms and replied her, called her. Did UNITE, super fast cos of the RI guys, and band cheers and everything. Our seniors came over and joined our circle as we begin to scream and everything. HAHA. It was one big mess of smiles and screams and yells, not forgetting the yells. I think the RIWE people called Mr Oura and all of us shouted in the phone, THANK YOU MR OURA. :D Daddy, Mummy and Jing Yi came and I left, watching our two bands continue cheering and celebrating.

 

What a night.

too much information

sigh. when will i stop learning things i don't want to know about my ex-classmates. like, how a million girls stalk them or something. about how, he was someone's ex. or about how this bunch of girls think he's so absolutely hawt.

MY EARS. utterly disturbed i had to rant somewhere, why do i not have someone to rant about this sort of things to! reduced to ranting to myself sheesh.

but on a side note, i wish some people would step back into my life.

regret

escape some for most of their lives but time catches up and

it is torn, thrust into the open, all

that's left of the light as we row into the darkness.

 

misses late night chats, staying up all night.

half my life

when i swore not to ever spend 6 months of my life putting something at NO 1. i didn't realise the irony. especially when i've about spent half my life on another. true, its less restrictive, doesn't enforce the no1 rule every living, breathing moment, its still time consuming and wrecks havoc on my life and mood regularly. ah wells, maybe because i've stuck with it all these years, with so much invested in it, makes it harder to drop anytime soon.

yet, i don't believe its enough to 'like' something to stick with it forever. how do you love something and continue if you lose touch with it? its too easy to move on from thing to thing in this fast-paced world. and with the future always waiting, and my watch with its ever-too-loud ticking, i'm constantly reminded of time. (can't even rest my head against my hand without feeling disturbed *grumbles*)

 

change/choice

some self-bashing.

i just don't know what i want to do anymore. i thought i had my future all thought out but then, it just seems so fake. i've always known it was shallow and so what, i'm shallow but reality dictates that everyone is in this (mainly) capitalist world. but suddenly, maybe it just built up and everything's crashing down. globalisation and its fucking snowball of rockhard truths. my flimsy dominoes just aren't a match for it. NOT MAKING SENSE. arghhhh

just that i found myself debating on a moral ground against a bunch of people thinking along economic lines. found i was less shallow than what i thought i was. definitely still shallow though and far from selfless. then watched a concert and realised i don't want to be just a part of the audience. i want my place to be on the stage, at rehearsals, knowing what goes behind the curtains.

and then i got asked about my dream. i was so bloody hesitant to state anything. mentioned my goal but realised that it was vastly different from what that person was thinking. but is it that different?

then again, what i'm doing now can be a part of my dream. maybe not in the direct sense because frankly they're quite incompatible unless i want to lead a double-life but perhaps i could bring one aspect of it into another. then i'll have to hope i have enough passion to meld the two together because forgive the cliche but they'll just crash and burn.

maybe i'm just self-destructing by even trying. because the people who try to save me may just be adding fuel to the fire. i wonder what that fire will do though.

if you talk it better walk it better keep your mouth shut

never knew the word bimbo could mean so much. or so little.

somehow, it took that sort of insult ("you girls aren't even bimbos") to make, at least, me wake up.

after all, if we don't arm ourselves with knowledge, the experience of our elders sometimes betters, if we don't have that and don't even have good looks, what are you?

and that's precisely, it. if you thought being called a bimbo was an insult, what's this.

 

bim·bo

^{/ˈbɪmboʊ/ Show Spelled[bim-boh] Show IPA}

–noun,plural-bos, -boes. Slang.

1. a foolish, stupid, or inept person.

2. a man or fellow, often a disreputable or contemptible one.

3. an attractive but stupid young woman, esp. one with loose morals.

 

 

sheesh i really hope certain people are intelligent enough to do research, anything to make them at least sound intelligent buy it if they have to because i'm not about to be associated with their incompetence. ughhh, of all times to be woozy and not stand up for myself. ):